This is a story told in retrospect, this is no longer my year, but a story about another year far, far away…
… depression hit me fair and square on the backside that year, in all it’s wonderful forms. I have never been one to embrace change, so when my nephew and sister went back to New Zealand at the beginning of the year it set of a chain reaction (in my mind anyway), a landslide of doom and gloom that seemed to engulf my whole year and cause everyone around me to crash and burn also. I know I must have a huge ego to think that all the bad things that happened that year was because of my negative thoughts but there you have it.
My sister is also of the depressive variety of people, so she also consequently became depressed, which, from the very beginning of the year set me thinking about this demon of the mind, the darkness that attacks from within. In our family’s case, depression is obviously a family trait handed down from father to children. Within my brothers and sisters, all of us have depression in one way or other, but all of us deal with it in different ways.
I am what I call a lazy depressive, beside feeling sorry for myself, lethargic, unmotivated and glum for a period of time. Often a few weeks, and sometimes, but only when external forces are not going my way, i.e. disagreements, unable to communicate my ideas with others, people being idiots, do I feel dark and sometimes have those thoughts of what if I wasn’t here.
I do quickly snap out of it and get back to life, I am unable to take my depressed mood for long, so I kick it to the side and get on with it. Even the dark moods do not encourage me to do anything drastic and dangerous about my situation, I am lazy and do not want to be bothered with such things as suicide and acting out. Really my whole goal in life is to do as little as possible in the way of thinking, in the pursuit of personal happiness. Doing is more my style and I like being happy and content.
My sister on the other hand, while her situation is different to mine, went even further on the depression train after she left here (see what I did there? Bought it back to me again!!), she had a breakdown, got medicated, quit her job in a ranting, mess of tears, that she had just spent the last four years at university to get, and basically melted down and stayed there for a while. Actually the year did not end there for her, because she also picked herself up, got a great new job as a media librarian, (I know sounds boring, but she gets to watch videos, You tube, news programs etc. all day, rate them and put them out for schools and educational departments to use, and a bit of customer service, and she got to try the Google Glass, although I would have gone with Occulus Rift but that’s just me.) She loves her job, started on a personal exercise regime with my brother who is a personal trainer, got into a accapella choir, and just really got back into life with vengeance.
The year ended in sadness however, my friend, who had battled depression on and off for such a long time, ended her life suddenly. We were just getting into the last, busiest term of the school year when we found out. It really sent me flying, I didn’t crack or go under, but went through all the usual stages of grief. I had spent some time with my friend and we had discussed our collective ‘illnesses’. The causes and cures. We had even started exercising regularly together, at the beginning of the year, both of us acknowledging the fact that we feel great when we exercise, we don’t feel depression as deeply as when we don’t exercise, we are on top of the world. Then we stopped, there were excuses of course, no time, homeschooling and work stuff got in the way, no time. I truly believed that we had the answer to curing depression and when my friend ended her life, I felt deeply the guilt that I should have done more, I remembered the times we both had made plans since the beginning of the year only to change at the last minute. I didn’t create the time to see her, to be with her, to help her with the cure that was at our fingertips, but yet out of reach.
Has this changed the way I interact with others? Sure, I became wary for a long time, I even stated that I would not be making any new friends. I would even at times, distance myself from the friends I had, still alive friends, with their own issues that need support. Looking back from this far away, I can think about everything without feeling anxious and that year is slowly becoming resolved. Of course I am not depressed on a regular basis, I have not been diagnosed depressed at any time, in fact, I suffer from mild anxiety at the most in my opinion.
However, if you feel that depression is a problem for you please ring:
Support. Advice. Action