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Change…

…change whether we like it or not is always going to happen, and whether it is big or small, change can sometimes throw us off our game, make us disorientated or even look at our whole lives differently.  I usually have a big problem with change, it’s probably a chemical imbalance of some kind in my brain, but who doesn’t have a problem like that once in a while.

When I was very young, probably 6 or 7, my family and I went fishing on a wharf, as my father liked to go early we were usually asleep by the time we got to our fishing spot, so my mum always took blankets and pillows for us.  I remember I had my favourite pillow with me and somehow it fell over the side of the wharf which was way too high for any attempt to try and retrieve it.  Now even though it sounds silly, I cried when I lost my pillow, my only memories from this time is this particular incident and looking through the back window as we left our home for the last time, to travel down the West Australian coast, both very traumatic memories in my mind but minor incidents in reality.

flower

Granted, these were from the mind of a 7 year old, but even now, the things that affect me the most are the changes that occur in life, you would think that by now I would have developed a fairly good coping mechanisms, but no.  This last Christmas was great, my sister and nephew were both here visiting for the holidays, we reconnected, they became part of the furniture, I expected to wake up everyday and they’d be there.  We made plans, read, crafted, we went away on day trips , stayed at the beach, started exercise routines, I started sewing her a wardrobe for her work as a teacher.  We had fun, I was exceedingly excited about this year, I was positive and felt good about the planning I’d done for my children’s education for 2014

….and then they left.

I was devastated, I went into a minor depression; life lost all interest, the year no longer held promise, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t exercise, I got sick, not with the flu, but just general unwellness, listlessness, and fatigue.  I know, I know, I can hear you now, “Get over it!, harden up!.  Everyone goes through change, and yours isn’t even bad change!!”.  Believe me I said the same things.  Of course it is ridiculous dwelling on something as simple as family leaving, it happens all the time, and of course we have feelings of loss, even if it is minor change, it’s still loss.   So the question was, why did I feel so bad?   Why did it take so long for me to even attempt to exercise, as almost proven cure for depression.  Why do I go to sleep mid afternoon as though I’m a toddler again?

Once again, chemical imbalance comes to mind, and yes I got on to the doctors this week to get on top of this problem.  I wish I could like change, embrace it, live it, love it!

A big resolution for this year was to ‘live large, love large’, when one is scared of the slightest change in one’s life this resolution is about as hard as climbing a mountain, but I’m going to try.  This year I’m going to enjoy each and everyday from here on in.  If finding fear and aversion to change is easy for me, how hard can it be to find life, love, fun and excitement instead?